The President's 4-year Employee Evaluation

WTP= We The People
GWB= George W. Bush

WTP: Mr. President, as is done every four years by law, we the people have met with you to complete your employee evaluation in order that we may fairly decide whether or not to retain your services.

GWB: I don't see why this is necessary. You guys need to stay the course with me. You don't change horses in mid stream (yuk yuk) .

WTP: Mr. Bush, there's another candidate for your job who says that if your horse is headed downstream toward the waterfall you do need to change horses.

GWB: Yeah ... well ... that's a mixed message. I know that sometime - maybe 20 or 30 years ago he said something opposite to that. That guy is a big time flip flopper.

WTP: Well, perhaps he did. But we are interested in the wisdom that he and you have now about horses and streams. So let's proceed shall we?

GWB: Well, I'd kinda like to wait and have my Vice President be here with me. We're a team, ya know, and there's people who say Mr. Cheney is the best Vice President this country's ever had.

WTP: Mr President, is there some reason you are reluctant to meet with us by yourself? Can you not deal with this evaluation directly and honestly as you should?

GWB: Well ... sure ... I guess ... but, you know, there are no secret service agents here. What if somebody holds up a sign or wears a T-shirt with writing on it. How do I know some of you aren't against me?

WTP: Mr. President, we've already interviewed the other candidate. He spoke to us without requiring that we swear loyalty and was willing to respond to any question we wanted to ask. Are you saying that somehow you can't be accountable to people who disagree with you?

GWB: No, I ain't sayin that at all. But, well, I tend to look bad cause I'm just a country boy from Texas and where I come from you don't take guff from anybody.

WTP: Really? Well then why don't you just sit back and we'll "bring it on" like you asked? Now lets get to the evaluation information and the resume you have submitted, shall we?

GWB: Yeah, it's about time. Now on September 11th, Saddam -

WTP: Just a minute Mr. President. Let's start by following the evaluation format. It's more orderly and I understand that you prefer to work in a controlled, orderly and orchestrated manner.

GWB: Well, all right, but we're much safer now that Saddam -

WTP: Mr. President, in the time prior to the catastrophe of 9/11 you had already implemented the changes advocated by your conservative business backers. Your program of tax cuts simultaneous to a recession was already having a financial toll on our national economy

GWB: Yeah, but we're turning the corner.

WTP: After 9/11, with some areas of our economy reeling, you remained steadfast in your tax-cut priority. Did it occur to you that the additional cost of a war on terror would strain the economy even further?

GWB; You bet I did. But I'm a war president. Remember that I'm an ex-fighter pilot. I know how to lead a country to war. It's what I do best. Just ask Dick, Rudy G., Arnold and Zell Miller.

WTP: 9/11 left us more openly engaged in a war on world-wide terror and you have led the charge against terrorists. But for now lets look at our economy. If I owned a ranch and entrusted you with managing my ranch what would you expect me to do if you expended the majority of my anti-predator budget on one coyote in a remote 40 acres and then came to me for more money from my general budget in order to actually maintain total farm operations? You're a Texas rancher. What do you think I would do about your employment.

GWB: But the ranch'd be much safer because that coyote in that 40 acres is gone and he could have moved another 40 acres and another 40 acres until he was at our door and threatening our home

WTP: So you say, but if, upon closer inspection, we find that the coyote was no longer a capable
predator because he had only three legs, was blind in one eye and deaf ...

GWB: That's not fair! The ranch is safer. The ranch is safer. The ranch is safer.

WTP: Well, safe from that one coyote, I suppose. But now I, as the owner of the ranch, have had to borrow money - lots of it - to keep the ranch solvent. Right now, my grandchildren will have to make payments to keep the bank from taking over the ranch.

GWB: Well, it's only a pretend ranch anyway. But I need to be evaluated on other stuff. More important stuff. You know that the single most important issue in this country is a constitutional amendment defining marriage as -

WTP: Mr. President, let's stick to the printed format, shall we? Now when 9/11 occurred the majority of the world stood by our side, many telling us that globally, we allies were all Americans.
When is the last time we heard that kind of sentiment abroad?

GWB: Well, there's Poland.

WTP: As an alliance on a global scale, the good guys have had a jointly supported and enthusiastically initiated war only once since WWII. That was the first Gulf War. Since coming into office you have intitiated two wars of aggression, curtailed civil liberties, seriously damaged international credibility, either privately approved or publicly looked the other way when torture is practiced. You also appear to have little if any problem with collateral damage in terms of civilian casualties. Are these the mark of a leader who is supposed to come across as "presidential"; a national and international statesman?

GWB: We have a saying in Crawford, "Don't mess with Texas." It's right up there with "Bring em on!"

WTP: I guess I'm beginning to understand you better. It has been said that you have singlehandely achieved more terrorism than Osama Bin Laden could even hope to accomplish by the destruction of 9/11. Because of the choices you have made, America is worse off economically, Iraq has tied up more of our troop strength than we can afford, the world is worse off ecologically, Americans are reminded by your administration that they should be afraid and make political decisions based more on fear than patriotic confidence in the United States of America. Homeland Security has a scattered and inefficient application of resources. That's a hard act for any terrorist to follow. It may be that you now hold the world record for bringing on the consequences of a terrorist act. Your record is a greater accomplishment than Barry Bonds' 73 home runs.

GWB: Well, you know, I appeal to a Higher Father. We are in the End Times and Jesus is Coming. A lot of Americans won't matter then cause if they are evil they aren't saved. They'll be left behind. You might be left behind if you try to change horses in mid-stream.

WTP: About that notion Mr. President -

GWB: Oh, it's not a notion. Those in the know say it's only a matter of a very short time.

WTP: Who are those in the know, might I ask?

GWB: The experts on religion are in the know. Pat Robertson who God told I would be President. Jerry Falwell says it's a matter of time. Tim LaHaye says its about to appear gloriously. Ralph Reed says so. That's why we've got to stay the course.

WTP: Why is that sir?

GWB: Because when Jesus comes, Israel has to have the same boundaries it did when David was King.

WTP: Really?

GWB: And that's why we have to have a constitutional amendment on gay marriage. That's why we have to stop abortions. That's why we have to make em pray in school. That's why we have to
export war and terror to all the enemies of God. If we don't do it, the world will not be prepared and Jesus won't be able to come back.

WTP: Did Mr. LaHaye tell you that?

GWB: They all do. I have been saved. God wants me to be president.

WTP: What does God tell you about collateral damage? Does he think Iraqi citizens must die as a necessary price to prepare the world for the End Times?

GWB: Well, that's kinda hard. When I knew God wanted me to be President I didn't ask him about those kinds of things.

WTP: Don't you think that your Christian support base would widen even further if you could answer those kinds of questions. Some Christians don't see the Biblical Jesus in what you do.

GWB: That's okay. As long as Pat, Jerry, Tim and Ralph are on my side, I know that God must approve of what we're doing. Those guys are my friends in the eyes of God. We're supposed to have dominion over the world and that's what's going to happen.

WTP: Well, I suppose then that God approves of an increase in poverty among Christians and non-Christians in this country? Like you and torture, God looks the other way when you make promises about family values and educating children and then don't keep the promises? Isn't that kind of flip flopping.

GWB: But ... but we're turning the corner.

WTP: Doesn't that mean that you are guilty of the same kind of thing you and Karl Rove accuse the other candidate of? Aren't you now saying "Sure I promised more medical access, sure I was for no child left behind and sure I was against nation-building. But that was before I went against it.?" That walks like a duck and talks like a duck.

GWB: Well, I gotta go now. Can't be sitting around reading My Pet Goat ya know. (yuk yuk). But just remember this. The world is safer because Saddam is gone. If you don't keep me in office, there'll be another attack. Vice President Cheney said so.

WTP: The damage and consequences of which will be because your administration could have done more to prepare, protect and secure at home, right?

GWB: No, that's not true. It won't be my fault. Bill Clinton and Al Gore got us into this mess. Me and Dick and the neocons are innocent.

WTP: Well, if we owned the ranch you managed into the ground - and we do own this ranch - we'd be giving you the pink slip and advising you not to use us as a reference. Thank you Mr. President.