Jake Turnrose on Monkey'in around with textbooks

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Well, the little woman says that if I swear when I read somethin, I probably am dyin to say somethin too. So I better check in on what them folks want our kids ta learn when they're sitting is school being confused cause they couldn't say a prayer before takin a test.

If our textbooks have got ta have stickers on them sayin such and such is only a theory, then by gum we need to apply the rule across the board startin with the 3 R's and includin the Bible.

Readin: Warning youngster - the words you're about to read are only the product of a theory and can only be proven by "faith". That means that you have to trust what you read is tellin you somethin useful. If you read a word you don't understand, look it up in the dictionary. But remember, what a dictionary says is only a theory too and it might not be true.

Writin: Warning youngster - writin is the way you make your own readin show up in words. That means that what you want to say will only be a theory and them who read what ya write are not supposed to believe your words. Instead they have to prove to themselves about what you say by "faith." Now faith is also only a theory that must be proven. So ya see, everything you read and write and say and do and think and feel are only theories which you must prove by faith - which is also a theory.

Gettin complicated for ya? Well that's what yer smart parents think is the best for you to grow up and be as smart as they think they are. By the way, that ain't the way they grew up to be as smart as they are.

Rithmatic: This is where it gets good. Any number you see is only a theory. So if I have two apples in my hand, that means that I'm holding two theoretical things that might or might not be apples. And an "apple" is a theory about a certain kind of "fruit" which - theoretically- is something that grew once before gettin killed by harvetin, but still tastes sweet - even if it is dead - and is good for ya ta eat. But then eatin only fer pleasure might be sinful which again is only a theory.

Anyway, I have two theoretical apples in my two hands which are theoretical products of evolution which is ... (you guessed it - a theory). Or them apples may be the procudct "intelligent design" - what some of yer parents says ain't a theory cause they read it in their not-a-theory Bible.

I don't know why the Bible isn't considered a theory but for many grown-ups it ain't. But fair is fair and if yer folks learned that the Bible isn't theory by exercisin their own faith then by gum what was good enough fer them'll be good enough fer you.

So New Rule: The Bible contains theories that must be proven by faith.

Now back to rithmatic: I have two (which may or may not be an accurate count) apples (which may or may not be apples.) And you ask me to give you one - theoretically. Now if I ain't theoretically selfish and you look theoretically needy or deservin, I might theoretically decide to "share" (a theoretical virtue) and give you one half of how many apples I'm holdin in my theoretical hands.

What's that you say? How do you know a half is really a half? You just have to take it on faith you uppity little whippersnapper.

See what I mean?

In order to make schoolin consistent and the same way all across the board, were gonna have to post a sticker on the Bible that says "Contains theories that can only be proven by faith."

Well, it's a start but I'd hate to be teachin a Sunday School class for kids or adults using these here criterias.

And what hell there'd be to pay tryin to teach kids about theoretical birds and bees whose lusty behavior has to be taken on faith.

Arthur Ruger 2006

Arthur & Lietta Ruger 2002-2008. The American Choice is a  political internet journal based in Bay Center, Washington. The views expressed not authored by Arthur or Lietta Ruger are the writers' own and do not necessarily reflect those of The American Choice or SwanDeer Productions. Permission of author required for reprinting original material, and only requests for reprinting a specific item are considered.